NYC Checkpoint Keeps Rich People From Leaving The State

Today, New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo, along with New York City Mayor, Bill de Blasio, used the 1 billion dollars saved in cutting the NYPD budget to set up various random checkpoints across the city at major bridges and tunnels to what would hopefully curtail the recent spike of extremely rich people leaving the state. Upon confirmation, the filthy rich will be quarantined for 14 days until they “calm down and come to their senses” Additional quarantine days may be added as necessary.

Officials from the Sheriff’s office will require travelers to complete a financial disclosure affidavit and failure to do so will result in an immediate confiscation of all bank accounts and assets. 

When asked for comment, Governor Cuomo said this was an important step for the state to hold on to as much money as it possibly can, but promises to make it up to everyone who remains, by “buying them a non-alcoholic drink at a bar that serves real food, like a sandwich or pasta, and not just finger foods. Let me repeat, no buffalo wings!” He also said every person that remains will also get a coupon for 1/2 off a medium size whopper meal at participating Burger Kings.

Mayor di Blasio, not to be outdone by the Governor, promised incentives as well, but would not go into further detail until he, “Could first determine what happened to the millions he gave his wife.”

In another developing story, the Governor is considering a border wall to help enforce the new checkpoint policy.